The Wonderful Collection of Crack-Fics by Yours Truly
by Natalie Teeger
Summary: A collection of crack-fics that have somehow emerged from my brain. I have lots of them, so expect more chapters! P.S. Most of these started as inside jokes between me and my sisters, so they are also to blame when we get in trouble. ;D
1. Arisa Uotani: Cheating Blantantly

Arisa Uotani and Kyo Sohma Play Dihinmin: Cheating Shamelessly (On Arisa's Part)

**Kyo's POV**

He had thought he had seen the Yankee slip her hand underneath her, but he dismissed the idea. She wouldn't so blatantly cheat-

Would she?

They were playing yet another game of Dihinmin in the classroom, everyone else either gone or cheering one of the two on. Her feet were up on the desk in front of her, her skirt hiked up just enough that it wasn't inappropriate, but still made him uncomfortable.

He then witnessed that same movement a few minutes later. She was taking a card from her pocket!

"Hey, Yankee! I saw that!" He accused.

"Saw what?" she asked, a little too innocently.

"Don't you play coy with me! I'm not an idiot!" he proclaimed.

"You aren't? I hadn't noticed."

"Why you-!"

He lunged at her, making a grab at her arm.

Missing completely, he fell forward, hitting the desk behind her. He sat up, swearing.

"You swear like a true Yankee." The overgrown brat commented.

"Shut your face! I can't help it if you're going to be the stupid *Censored for the sake of my computer privileges*!"

"Oh, the wittle putty tat's mad at me," she pulled her lower lip down in a position that portrayed her as an innocent little girl.

Almost.

"You must learn to control your temper; you'll get people to like you better."

"Shut up! I don't care what other people think of me!" he snarled.

"I can tell."

That stopped him short. He knew he wasn't as popular as the rat boy, but he wasn't liked in particular? That kind of tore his heart. But just a little! Ah, who was he kidding? Not himself, that was for sure.

But that wouldn't stop him from kicking this *ahem*'s *ahem*!

**This is the first of my little collection of Crack-Fics. Hope you like! Please read and review!**


	2. Motoko Minagawa: What's Burning?

"What in the world-?"

"Who-?"

"Oh, you're new to the neighborhood."

"Yeah, that's just that crazy Minagawa chick down the street. It's Tuesday."

"Tuesday? What's that got to do with anything?!"

"Yeah, they're-her and her equally crazy friends-worshiping 'The All Mighty Heavenly Prince Yuki!', or something."

"Don't worry, there's no fire. It's just incense."

"Incense?!"

…...

As my fellow worshipers knelt by my side, I lifted my eyes to the heavens and poured my heart out to the picture in the heavenly shrine of the godly prince.

The heavenly shrine to which I refer consisted of Prince Yuki's used chopsticks-I couldn't believe his divine lips had recently touched them-, his left shoe-which once held his beautiful foot-, a lock, that we kind of stole from his locker brush, of his perfectly coifed, shiny silvery-purple hair tresses that wafted down his slender back when he turns to face me, a smile playing on his lips, oh, his lips! They are the soft and tender light of my existence, they are so -I'm getting off track.

The only other objects that are displayed where not his, they were out of my pocket money. The items were 5 candles and a couple boxes of incense. They were almost all used up, so I would need to go buy more soon.

Prince Yuki is my dream prince that has come to life.

No, really. When I was 14, I drew a picture of my dream prince and he looked exactly like Yuki except his hair was black. But I'm not saying that silver hair isn't divine, I'm just -

"Motoko!'

My mother. No romance in her mind, or, since my father died, life.

My fellow sisterhood rose with me and bowed deeply to finish the ceremony.

"Motoko! Bedtime! NOW!"

Yes, yes, fine, fine.

I knew Prince Yuki and I are made for each other, I just know it. ;D

**Oh my goodness, I just about gagged writing this. Motoko is so…you know! Romantic! And I'm just…not. Look forward to my next fanfiction, ****_Motoko Minagawa: A Dead Squirrel? _****;D**


	3. Motoko Minagawa: A Dead Squirrel?

I am she called Motoko Minagawa, beautiful wife-to-be for Prince Yuki Sohma, my one true love.

Oh, we were destined to be together, I could feel it in my heart! We were meant to be, and nothing anyone said could cut the red string that tied our lives together.*

It all started on the first day of high-school for him. I was already in the 2 class when he came in, so I knew the place. But he didn't. So we were assigned a first-year each to show around. Those fateful words the teacher spoke sealed the bond.

"Motoko Minagawa, you will show Yuki Sohma the school, please."

I turned around to see who she was talking about, when our eyes met. They held there for at least a full minute before he smiled.

I fainted.

His smile…so heavenly! His lips…so perfect! I made a goal that one day, I would kiss them.

When I fell to the ground, my arms involuntarily rose up to my chest, my hands curled in a strange position, my tongue hanging out of my open mouth, much to my embarrassment. Before I passed out, I heard Kakeru Manabe, also a first-year, comment out loud, "Is that Motoko Minagawa, or a dead squirrel?"

I would have slapped him, but I was already totally out.

***The red string is an old folk tale that says that there is a red string tied to the thumbs of the couple who are destined to be together, no matter what, and the string cannot be broken. Poor Motoko. ****J**

W**ell, now you know why the title is what it is. It's much harder to write this that to role-play it. My next is, thankfully, Kureno Sohma when he was a teenager. It's the story behind why the maids hate him. ;D **

** P.S. The maids hating Kureno is not entirely canon. **


	4. Kureno Sohma: The Noodle Incident

Like Gure-nii, the maids hate me.

And like with Gure-nii, I have no idea why. I have theories, though.

And one plausible theory is that of the noodle incident.

…..

The noodle incident happened on a regular Tuesday afternoon like that of today. Or yesterday. I'm bad with time.

Anyway, the maids had asked me to help them in the kitchens. Well, they hadn't asked directly. Gure-nii told me that they told him to tell me that they told the head of the kitchens to tell the lower cooks to tell Gure-nii to tell me that they had decided to let me help. I was excited. A chance to learn how the maids got everything so magical tasting? So there!

So I went downstairs to help. They let me in after suspicious questioning. I gazed about, wondering how they did it all. They went about doing their work without any more talk. I asked around if I could help, but they all brushed me aside. I was feeling like I was unneeded and useless.

And then the bird flew in.

And landed in the big bowl of spaghetti noodles.

I was shocked that none of the maids had noticed. But I had. And I needed to do something about it or the bird would suffocate and die.

So I grabbed the bowl of spaghetti and dumped it out all over the floor.

There was nothing that equally compared to the chaos that followed. The maids, red faced and angry, shoved me out of the kitchens. Quite literally, in fact.

Outside, I bumped into Gure-nii and Aya-nii, who were standing right outside the doorway.

As I tumbled out, Gure-nii grinned and asked, "What's wrong?" So I told him. Gure-nii's grin grew wider. He turned to Aya-nii and held out his hand. "I won."

Aya-nii shook his head and brought out 1,500 yen ($15). It took me a few years to realize that they were gambling on how long I would last in the kitchens. And it took a few more years to know that Gure-nii and Aya-nii had deliberately shoved the bird through the window and into the bowl.

That's one theory, and it may not be true, but then again, it might.


	5. Yuki and Haru Sohma: Yey Big

**My sister is convinced that it was Haru who was lost and She might be right, but here is this one instead. ;D**

Yuki was lost. No doubt about it.

He had a cell phone but he didn't know anyone to call except…

He didn't want to, but he didn't really have any choices. He pulled it out and typed in a phone number. It rang for about one-half ring before it was answered.

"I knew you would come to! Does 7 work?" A voice burst out before he could say a word.

"Haru, this is Yuki, not Rin. I'm lost."

"Oh." Haru sounded heartbroken. "I was so sure…anyway, what's wrong? You're lost? I'm not the best person to talk to, you know. I'd get lost in my own house if Mom hadn't drawn out a simpler map for me."

Yuki groaned. If Haru doubted his own direction skills without beating around the bush, he would get nowhere fast. "Haru, seriously. I need directions."

"Alright." He sighed. "Where are you?"

"Haru, I don't know! I told you, I'm lost!"

Haru sighed again. "Any important landmarks around you?"

Yuki looked at the forest around him. "Trees." he told him. "Lots of trees."

"O.K., anything else?"

"Um, a big boulder?"

"How big is the boulder?" Haru asked suddenly interested.

"Um, a couple feet up and a couple feet across."

"Like, yea big?"

"What?"

"Yea big. "

Yuki was dumbfounded. "How big is yea big!?"

"You know, about yea big."

"HOW BIG IS YEA BIG?!"

Haru sounded impatient. "I told you, yea big."

Yuki caught on a few minutes into the tiring conversation. "Haru, I can't see your hands when we're talking over the phone!"

Haru sounded surprised. "You can't? Oh, I see. That makes a whole lot more sense."

Yuki face palmed.

He was going to be stuck here forever because his fate was in the hands of the biggest doofus the world had to give.


	6. Tohru Honda: Goddess of the Kitchen

Tohru Honda breathed in deeply. The apple pie was almost done. She smiled at the knock on the door that occurred at the exact time the pie's timer dinged. She ran to answer the door to a tired but grinning mailman. He sniffed in deeper that Tohru had and trotted in to taste her apple pie.

Tohru thought the mailmen were hard working and deserved a snack on the job and, just really liked her cooking like everybody else. Little did she know, or imagine, that she had a shrine at the post office and was being worshipped daily, minutely, heck, secondly.

The cult of Saint Tohru had very strict laws regarding distribution of food and rotation of duty: namely,

-If The Great and Merciful One gives thee food to take home, it is to be shared with the other members of the congregation and a sample of it must be given up as an offering to the great goddess who hast made the treat for thee.

-Everyone doth get a turn to go on Baking Day.

-If Shigure Sohma is there, THOU SHALT NOT GO INTO THE HOUSE. He will have eaten all of The Goddesses treats; yea, and he will bore his eyes into thy very soul until thou dost depart.

The mailman, whose name is, let's say, Matt, returned to the post office, where this whole thing started. He knocked on the door and let himself in. Quietly, of course, so as not to disturb his fellow worshipers that knelt by the great and almighty shrine of the goddess Tohru of the kitchens. He crept into the spare room in which the worshiping was held. John looked up and stared hungrily at the Wal-Mart bag Matt held. Matt glanced at the shrine and came forward, kneeling at the foot of the spare table that supported the shrine. He clasped his hand together and said a silent pray to the gods who let them worship the great goddess of apple pie. He finished and laid one-fourth of the contents of the bag on the offering plate. His lips moving in the offering prayer, he commenced to split the rest with the rest of the congregation. They fell upon it, eating up every last crumb.

Matt smiled with the others and retreated from the room, bowing the whole way.

And thus goes the life of the postmen. ;D


	7. Shigure, Kureno, Kagura: Angry Birds

"Psst. Hey, Kureno!"

Kureno stopped short. He had thought he had heard someone calling his name. He shrugged and continued on his way.

"Psssst! Kureno!"

He listened for a moment, then walked on.

"Oh, for Pete's sake, get over here!"

Kureno turned around to the voice. Shigure was beckoning franticly from behind a building's brick wall. He went over to him, only to get yanked out of sight.

He crouched down next to Shigure and whispered, "What do you want?"

Shigure put a finger to his lips. "Hush! Not so loud! She'll hear!"

Kureno, having no idea who 'she' was, was quiet nevertheless.

Shigure stood, still hunched over, and began walking around the building and up a ladder. Kureno followed him.

When they got to the top, he found Ayame, who was, quietly, rambling about who knows what, and Hatori, who was reading a book about law and ignoring the others, were already there.

With rope.

Lots of rope.

He suddenly felt nervous. "Gure-nii? What's all this?"

Shigure grinned. "We're going to play a game." he grinned wickedly. "It's called 'Angry Birds.' What we do is, we tie you up," with that, he proceeded to do just that. "and then we push you over to the ledge of the wall," here he pushed Kureno over. "And when the timing is right, we push you off. Good?' he gave him a thumbs up.

Kureno, unable to do that, gave a weak grin.

"Hush, Gure!" Ayame drawled. "She's coming around the corner!"

Shigure's smile grew wider. "Everyone in position?" He put his hand on Kureno's shoulders and leaned forward. "Ready?" he whispered. "Go!"

And with that, Kureno plummeted down.

Towards Kagura.

Who was not happy, to say the least.

"ShiGUREEEEEEEEEEE!"

Shigure grinned. "Well, see you guys. I don't want to be caught up in the boar attack." he disappeared below the edge.

A minute later, they heard Shigure laughing as Kagura ran after him, screaming bloody murder. Hatori looked up and shook his head once, then went back to _The Constitution and Criminal Procedure._ ; D


End file.
